


This Little Light

by BlackRose



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Edmundo Diaz has receipts on himself, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan Buckley Needs a Hug, Gen, Ghosts, Guns, Hugs, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, and also pancakes, and he gets lots of them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:14:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23888035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackRose/pseuds/BlackRose
Summary: "That boy needs you, Eddie. You're letting his light go out."Instantly Eddie thoughtBuckbut had no idea why.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 356
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	This Little Light

She came to him as he slept. 

He thought it was the wind, at first, blowing open the curtains to let in the moonlight. But it wasn't. It was her. 

"Sh...Shannon?!?"

She smiled and perched on the edge of the bed, luminescence spilling from her transparent hands. When she touched his face it was like a shock down his spine, and suddenly Eddie knew he was wide awake; this was no dream. 

"That boy needs you, Eddie. You're letting his light go out."

Instantly Eddie thought _Buck_ but had no idea why. 

"Shannon, what are....are you really here? Why--"

"I come to those who need me. You need him just as badly as he needs you, now. Your friend, with the spot on his eye. He's hurting, Eddie. So much worse than he will ever tell you--"

"Since when doesn't he tell us things? He's always so, so loud and-and---"

"' _Exhausting_ '? Yes, he's aware. Painfully, painfully aware."

He swallowed the flare of anger; it tasted too much like guilt. Shannon's smile was tinged with sorrow.

"His heart is breaking, Eddie. Right as we speak. You still have time, before the candle in that sweet soul goes out. Hurry?"

"Where? Where is he, Shannon? How do you know this?!?"

"I watch, Eddie. What more do I have to do, now?"

She glided back to the window, stared out. 

"How high do you suppose a man can climb with tears in his eyes?"

Eddie moved to look over her shoulder. Off in the distance, the Municipal Water Tower stood pale against the night sky. It was too far away to make anyone out but somehow Eddie's gut iced over with dread. Shannon pointed off that way, her eerie glow reflecting in the glass. Her eyes were so strange, glowing aqua in the dark. Eddie ripped himself away to go hunt down his keys. He was halfway down the hall when he remembered. 

Chris. He couldn't wake the little boy up, but who could he call to stay with him this late? Carla was on vacation this week, and usually....

Usually he'd call Buck. 

And Buck would respond with a cheerful, _sure, no problem, be right over_ or _don't worry about it, I love that kid_. No matter what else might be going on in his life. Eddie really did take him for granted. Shannon nodded approvingly from the doorway, as if she could hear his every thought. 

"That Captain is still awake."

She was paler now, more an outline than a full-on apparition. Eddie was already grabbing his phone, stabbing the speed dial. 

"Hey, Cap it's Diaz. Sorry it's so late, I, um.....I've got a really big favor to ask..."

Christopher didn't even stir being buckled into his car seat, nor carried up to the door. Athena met them there in a robe but looking wide awake. With a mother's tenderness she took him, carried him to couch to be tucked into a throw. Bobby was coming with Eddie, his Maglite and first aid kit at the ready. He kissed his wife on the way out the door. 

"You find that boy and bring him home safe to us, you hear me?"

Eddie couldn't find any words to promise her, so he just nodded and thanked her for watching Christopher. 

The drive to the water tower was primarily silent. Grimly so. Eddie had done his best on the phone to explain what he'd witnessed, expecting Bobby to brush it off as a dream. Instead his response had been a quiet, 'Bring him over.'

Apparently the Captain hadn't been able to sleep either, a rankling worry chasing around inside of him that even enough baking to feed a small army couldn't shake. Both of them were silently dreading what they'd find at the tower. 

Sure enough, as Shannon had said, Buck's Jeep is parked at the base. There were bootprints leading away, towards the ladder. A single abandoned boot, flopped over in the dirt. Eddie craned his neck up into the dark. 

"BUCK! Are you here?!?"

A distant creak of shifting metal answered, then a thin voice from above.

"Eddie? What are you doing here, man? It's late---"

"We could ask you the same question, Buck."

Bobby sounded stern, not angry. Nonetheless Eddie could too easily imagine the slightly-bitter smile on his best friend's face. 

"S-sorry Cap. I, uh. I had a few. Meant to come back down b-but now I can't. Lost my shoe somewhere a-and now I can't even get down; how stupid is that?!?"

He was laughing but the words were thick with booze and tears.

"It's okay, Buck. I'm not mad, okay? Just stay where you are; we'll come up and talk about this--"

"I talk too much, you know."

A bottle crashed down beside the boot and shattered. 

"Fuck. Can't even throw things right. How the fuck do any of you put up with me?"

Bobby was already climbing.

"I dunno Buck. I ...I like your smile. The way you seem to bring light with you, wherever you go--"

"People deserve light. Good people. Better people than me. That's why they leave. Mom'n'Dad. Maddie. Abby. Red. Soon, the team. It's okay. That's...that's what I'm here for. For people to leave. To be left."

Eddie had never heard him sound this drunk, or this raw. He wasn't being dramatic at all; it was like his ability to feel had been shut off. It honestly scared him to death. 

"Buck. You are one of the best people I know. You do things to help people not for the rewards or-or the pride of it----but because it's what's right. Please don't ever think we don't see that. We do. We see you, and we love you. We screwed up in showing you that, but we do. I've been....a real jackass, you know? Like, the _worst_ goddamn friend. I don't know how to ever make that right, how to show you just how much you mean to me---to us---but I swear Buck, if you let me I'll never stop trying."

Eddie absolutely was not crying now; there was just a tiny localized rainstorm. For a long moment there was just the squeak of the ladder and Bobby's quiet breathing as he climbed. 

"There's....it's okay, Eddie. There's nothing to make up. I know I'm too much. always have been. Too loud. Too stubborn. Too stupid. Too romantic, too soon. Too much of a mess. Too...tiring. I don't know how to stop being too much for people, and pushing them away. That's the very last thing I want though. To push you and Chris away. Out of everything, that..... I honestly don't think I could survive that."

The admission froze Eddie's blood. More so when he heard what Bobby said next. 

"Buck. Put the gun _down_." 

Eddie dove for the ladder, climbing frantically---there was no way in hell he could climb fast enough to get to him in time, not if Buck was about to do what he feared he was, but his body wouldn't let him stay still. Time seemed to slow down and before he knew it he was being hauled onto the narrow ledge. Buck and Bobby helped him get seated, Buck's long legs drawn up so he was peering over his knees down into the dark. As soon as there was no risk of falling, Eddie leaned over and engulfed Buck in a hug. That at first Buck actually froze in confusion only twisted the knife harder. Bobby already had his arms around Buck, cradling the back of his neck. The gun was by Bobby's foot. Thank all the saints there wasn't a scuffle for it; they could have both fallen off. Buck sniffled a little; up close his eyes were pink with crying and he smelled like a brewery. They both just kept holding him, though, rocking a little. Squeezing reassurance back into him when he couldn't stop shaking. No one spoke, not at first. 

"Did you know, I was going to be a Navy SEAL?"

He was looking directly at Eddie for the first time and it was all he could do not to kiss that trembling lip. 

"You never told me that. Dunno though; I mean you're tough and all, but those guys, they're fucking _scary_. Absolute fucking robots with no life in their eyes--"

"Yeah, that's why I quit. Couldn't turn off the feelings. God, I'd give anything to be able to do it now."

Eddie rubbed his back. 

"You wouldn't be you anymore if you did. I'm glad you didn't. I'm so glad and grateful that I got to meet the version of Buck that loves with his entire golden heart. " He dared lean his head into Buck's shoulder and warmth flushed through him at the feeling of lips at his temple.

"That gun, it's all I have left of those days. The really fucked up thing is some nights---nights like this, after too many beers and too much silence....I have to go for a drive, 'cause it feels like that fucking pistol is haunting me. Like I have to be away from it, before it...before _I_..."

He couldn't bring himself to say it, but they both knew what he meant. Bobby dragged gentle fingers through Buck's curls. 

"Yeah, I know all too well how that feels. For me, it was gonna be pills, or a long fall. I always hated guns."

Buck looked reproachfully at his Captain. 

"Bobby! C'mon man! you've got...huh. Guess you're sick of hearing that by now. But it's true. You have a family that loves you. A team that adores you. If I was just suddenly...gone, who would notice? My sister, after a while. The crew, eventually. Chris. S'it, really."

There wasn't much Eddie could say to refute that, nothing that wouldn't sound false and hollow, so he just kept holding Buck tightly. 

"The world would miss you, Buck. It would be that much duller and sadder and darker without your beautiful soul in it. I would miss you, even though I haven't done or said nearly enough to prove it."

He dared to glance at Buck again, and the softness and warmth in his face made Eddie's cheeks heat up. 

"Christ you're gorgeous. I feel like we don't say that enough."

He could tell it made Buck feel shy; he burrowed into Eddie's neck. Bobby just watched them both with that knowing smile. Eddie noticed him texting someone on his phone; probably Athena to let her know they were all okay. For a long while they sat that way, Buck eventually dosing off a bit though the chorus of waking birds roused him again as the sun rose. Carefully they all stretched. 

"Hey Cap, what time you think that new breakfast place on Grand opens?"

"I want to say...eight?"

"Oh, the one with the stuffed French toast? Man we should so go there!"

Bobby smiled his agreement. 

"Sounds excellent. But first, we all have to get down."

That black duffle Bobby had brought with them the night before proved to contain body harnesses, rope and pulleys. It took some very careful coordination, but at last all three were standing safely back on the ground---the gun locked away in Bobby's glove compartment--and Buck had his boot back on. They were sore, and cold, and Buck was still sad, but he no longer seemed as fragile as the night before. They checked him over thoroughly, relieved to find that other than a mild hangover and exhaustion he was physically alright. It was agreed that Eddie and Buck would take the day off to rest and recuperate, and Bobby would take a half day. 

"A big stack of pancakes, some bacon and a nap, that's what I need right now. You guys too."

Just the thought was making Eddie's stomach growl. Pancakes definitely sounded like what the doctor ordered. 

As they drove Eddie couldn't help glancing back in the mirror to check on Buck---who fell asleep about five minutes into the drive and had to be gently shaken awake at the diner---which proved to be everything it was cracked up to be, and more. Buck's sheer delight in discovering that the table held a little pitcher of strawberry syrup to pour on his pancakes had Eddie and Bobby both smiling at him fondly. 

"We gotta bring Chris here sometime; this place is awesome!"

He definitely seemed more like their Buck again. Maybe not entirely whole yet, but getting there. It wouldn't be an easy road, but Eddie would walk every step of it with him. Anything to help Buck's world shine again, the way he made theirs shine. It's what you do for someone you love.


End file.
